Take care of yourself

I've been reading Outliers, by Malcolm Gladwell, at the recommendation of an acquaintance who's so excited after reading the book that he's talking about it to everyone he knows. It's a fascinating book, and I recommend reading it whether you agree with the author's viewpoint or not. So far, what's struck me hardest is the author's description of a study in which rich parents and working class parents were observed interacting with their children over the course of many weeks. Those doing the survey noted that wealthier parents were more likely to teach their children to take control in conversations with those in positions of authority - doctors, teachers, etc. - while poorer parents were more likely to want their children to be quiet, not speak up, and try to be as passive as possible.

Now this got me thinking. In my classes, I teach my students not only how to relate to their listeners, but how to get their listeners and conversational partners to relate to them. One of the first principles I teach is that you must always make it a priority to take care of yourself in a conversation. Understand that your own interest, understanding, validation, and excitement is as important as anyone else's. Understand also that no one else truly knows when you are interested, understand, validated, etc. You'll be much happier if you stop relying on others to provide all that, or sacrificing it entirely in a misguided effort to make everyone else happy, and take responsibility for it right away! And I've seen firsthand how hard this can be for wealthy and struggling clients alike.

Gladwell suggests that the lack of parental instruction on how to do this can cripple even the brightest children for the rest of their lives - the children will have no choice but to go through life socially inept, without even knowing what's wrong or why they seem to have been born victims. And that's where I disagree. We absolutely can change this as adults; we can learn to give ourselves the advantages that others haven't yet handed to us. Isn't that what makes adult life interesting, rewarding, and worth it?