Take care of yourself

I've been reading Outliers, by Malcolm Gladwell, at the recommendation of an acquaintance who's so excited after reading the book that he's talking about it to everyone he knows. It's a fascinating book, and I recommend reading it whether you agree with the author's viewpoint or not. So far, what's struck me hardest is the author's description of a study in which rich parents and working class parents were observed interacting with their children over the course of many weeks. Those doing the survey noted that wealthier parents were more likely to teach their children to take control in conversations with those in positions of authority - doctors, teachers, etc. - while poorer parents were more likely to want their children to be quiet, not speak up, and try to be as passive as possible.

Now this got me thinking. In my classes, I teach my students not only how to relate to their listeners, but how to get their listeners and conversational partners to relate to them. One of the first principles I teach is that you must always make it a priority to take care of yourself in a conversation. Understand that your own interest, understanding, validation, and excitement is as important as anyone else's. Understand also that no one else truly knows when you are interested, understand, validated, etc. You'll be much happier if you stop relying on others to provide all that, or sacrificing it entirely in a misguided effort to make everyone else happy, and take responsibility for it right away! And I've seen firsthand how hard this can be for wealthy and struggling clients alike.

Gladwell suggests that the lack of parental instruction on how to do this can cripple even the brightest children for the rest of their lives - the children will have no choice but to go through life socially inept, without even knowing what's wrong or why they seem to have been born victims. And that's where I disagree. We absolutely can change this as adults; we can learn to give ourselves the advantages that others haven't yet handed to us. Isn't that what makes adult life interesting, rewarding, and worth it?

The dynamic elevator speech

"I hate this networking stuff. I'm no good at small talk!" How many times have we heard this? From friends, co-workers, and even fellow attendees at events where people gather to - you guessed it - network! (If you want true irony, check out the folks who use their distaste for small talk as a subject about which to make small talk! Love it!) This is lethal. How you present yourself to a new contact in that vital first 10 seconds is...well...vital. If your so-called elevator speech isn't a good fit, doesn't ring true for you, or if - god forbid! - it bores you, I can tell you that you're losing valuable contacts, which translates into a negative impact on your bottom line.

A little preparation can work wonders in these situations. Most of us know that we should have an "elevator speech"; that is, we know that we should be able to say what we do in 30 to 60 seconds when we meet someone new. Unfortunately, most folks stop there. They may or may not make some effort to actually prepare such a speech before being faced with a networking scenario. If they do prepare, it's with the concept that this is something they'll do once. They memorize their spiel, and off they go.

The result? They, and anyone listening to them, quickly become bored with the same old patter.

Try something new. I like to call it the dynamic elevator speech. Take a few minutes, right now, to think about what really excites YOU about your business. What are your very favorite strong points? What makes you happy and proud when you say it? Pick several. Now, think about having multiple elevator speeches centering around these things. You can select just one or two key points to mention for each "speech." Remember, elevator speeches aren't about detailing your full range of services and/or products; they're about starting a dialogue.

Once you're comfortable with what you have to offer, and you have several options to choose from, you can tailor what you say to where you are, who you're talking to, and your most impressive accomplishments right at that moment. You'll never again get caught groping for an answer when someone says "And what do you do?"

It is as honorable to sell as it is to buy

So, my beloved big sister just told me that she's doing direct sales these days. Actually, she's been doing it for months, but didn't want to tell me. It amazes me how often this is true. In my coaching practice, I meet many direct sales folks, and I love working with them. Every industry - from janitors to pastors - has its sharks, but the direct sales representatives I know and work with are motivated by the desire to help others while living the life of their dreams. Who can argue with that? The difficulty arises when they decide that they must focus on the sale, rather than their genuine caring for the client, because they don't know how to communicate both at the same time. That's easily fixed!

The next time you catch yourself saying "I hate salesmen," or "I'm no salesman," stop and think about why that is. No matter what your initial thoughts on the subject are, I guarantee that the basic underlying principle is a concern that they don't care about you as a person, just your money. And for 9 out of 10 salespeople, nothing could be farther from the truth.

We must all sell at one point or another in our lives. Let's learn to do it compassionately, with skill and confidence, so that life is better for us AND for our clients!

Networking - Taming the savage beast

My blog followers (Hi, Mom!) have probably noticed my long silence. I've been out networking til my feet fall off, promoting my new communication coaching practice. Going to 7-10 networking events each week has given me ample opportunity to observe a variety of folks out getting their schmooze on. Understandably, this prompts a blog post including a few tips that I hope you'll find useful. They're based on what I'm seeing out in the trenches, the most common pitfalls I see happening when professionals face that most terrifying of beasts--a room full of strangers to whom you must explain your business, not offend, and attempt to form a lasting connection with, all while balancing a plate of cheese cubes and a glass of something-or-other.

1. There is no homecoming queen at a business mixer. Most of us still carry memories of "in" and "out" crowds in high school. But that just doesn't apply here. We are all here to meet each other and promote, promote, promote! If someone already had all the clients s/he needed, he or she would be at home watching NCIS. So no matter how poised or put together someone looks, you're still here for the same reasons, and that person will likely be grateful if you take a deep breath, grip your cheese cube plate firmly, and introduce yourself first. Which leads to...

2. She who introduces herself first, wins. We are also accustomed to the old social rule that whomever speaks last holds the most power. But at networking events (this includes conventions, mixers, and most other business gatherings, whether they're targeted towards networking or not), the power belongs to the hosts. By this I mean that the people who provide value to the other participants gain recognition, which will later translate into business.

3. You never know what connections will later produce profit. Keep this in mind when someone is introducing themselves--even if their title as stated doesn't fit into your concept of a potential client, they may have a friend, client, or brother-in-law who will describe a need for your services in future. Don't shut someone down simply because they aren't your "dream referral." In fact...

4. Don't shut anyone down. Give your full attention to the person with whom you're speaking RIGHT NOW. Scanning the room for your next victim while your current victim (I use the term advisedly, as they are certainly feeling victimized if this is what you're doing!) is the most common blunder I see at these events. Word gets around, business communities talk to each other, and no one likes to feel demeaned.

A final word. Don't set out to make contacts. Set out to meet people. Have some fun! Learn their stories. Your business will bloom, and you'll get more out of life along the way.

Communicating vs. channeling

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But it's not the most effective form of communication! Too often I hear (or read) folks who seem to be "channeling" a way of speaking, whether that of an individual or an industry. And channeling someone else's ideas or thought patterns will never change the world.

We've all admired writers, speakers, and storytellers whose distinct personal style made a real impact on both their audience and their material. It's easy to fall into mimicry, imagining that the mannerisms that work so well for them will surely benefit our own message. Not so! Like an accomplished musician, skillful communicators can credit many different influences to their style, but influence will only get you so far.

Be fresh. Be genuine. Figure out what you have to say, believe in it with everything you have, and then send it out there. You and your audience will both reap the rewards.

How to write an effective letter

Once upon a time--a very different time--people relied on letters almost exclusively as a method of communication. Whether you wanted to stay in touch with family or friends, do business, or create a country, letters were the way to do it. The Declaration of Independence is, in essence, a letter; and before it was ever drafted dozens of other letters flew back and forth between the founding fathers expressing the need for a new country.

Obviously this is no longer the case. But the advent of e-mail, the telephone, video chat, texting, social networking sites, and all the other communications options we now have access to hasn't changed our dependence on the ability to write a good, clear letter. Whether you send it over e-mail, put it in a Facebook message, fax it, or break it down and Tweet it, the need for structure, clarity, and style is still there. Here are six key elements to a well-crafted letter:

Preparation. Before you begin, take the time to establish clearly for yourself what your objective is for your letter. Don't wade in with a general idea, only to be pulled under by a tide of digressions and needless information. What is your motive for contacting this person? What information does he or she need from you in order to explain your motive? What roadblocks do you think might keep the recipient from understanding this information, and how should they be addressed (if at all)? Finally, what do you want him or her to do as a result of receiving the information? Once you know the answers to these questions, you're ready to begin on the letter itself.

Introduction. We're all busy. With the exception of your closest friends and family members, you should always remember that your recipient wants to know why you're writing as quickly and in as few words as possible. Depending on how complicated your subject matter is and how long your missive, this can be a paragraph, a sentence, or even just a phrase like, "Regarding our conversation yesterday on next year's expansion plan..." Open with a friendly greeting if you feel the need to establish tone, but once that's done, get your objective out there ASAP and move on. (Note: this is especially important for cover letters associated with resumes.)

Support or background information. This is pretty self-explanatory. Just remember to be as concise as possible when presenting the details or background needed. Make sure that all information presented is essential to your objective; anything extra will weaken your message and make it less likely that your recipient will read the entire letter.

Response to possible opposition. Letters (apart from family newsletters) are meant to get your recipient to do something. When you ask someone to do something, nine times out of ten you know that there may be certain roadblocks or personal objections that stand in the way of their doing so. It's important to address these in your message; it's even more important that you do so in a positive way. Don't strengthen your recipient's objection by voicing it for him or her ("I know you may think that this would not be cost-effective..."). Focus instead on the benefits of doing what you ask ("This will be a good value because...").

Request. Now that you've made your case, and drawn special attention to the areas of your case that you think your recipient needs to hear pointed out, it's time to ask for your objective. Don't ever make your case and then leave the recipient's next step up to him or her. Even if you're not sure what the next step should be, ask to discuss it further or ask the recipient to come up with a solution. Look on this portion of your message as closing a sale. Good sales people are taught from day one that if you don't ask, you won't receive.

Conclusion. Like the introduction, your conclusion should be as short as possible. Your purpose is only to thank your recipient for their time, and express that you look forward to their response, giving any applicable deadlines. Don't weaken your letter's structure by going back over ground you've already covered. If your letter is informal--for example, an e-mail continuing an established conversation with someone you already know--all the conclusion you need is to sign your name; your request can stand alone.

So there you have it. There are a lot of nifty tips and tricks for each aspect, of course, but these six points are the basic framework for any solid letter. Happy writing!

Talking To Yourself

During the last few days, I've been thinking a lot on the subject of self-awareness. When coaching a new client--no matter what I'm doing for that person--the first step I take is to identify that client's unique goals, values, and priorities. This is vital, as all advice or recommendations I make will be geared toward furthering these. But I've learned that I'm not the only one who needs this initial establishment of voice. Often it's the most valuable part of the entire coaching session for the client.

You see, I work to help clarify and refine how people describe themselves and their services, value, and knowledge to other people, whether this means a prospective employer, a customer, or an employee. But before this can happen, the client must identify how she describes these things to herself. Every other communication will rest on this. We must know why we do what we do, why we're the best candidate for a project or position, why our offerings and skills are the very best.

How do you talk to yourself about...yourself? When coaching a job seeker, I explain that immediately defending something that you think is a negative is a huge red flag to interviewers. You must instead focus on the positive while frankly accepting the perceived negative (which, more often than not, is a blessing in disguise). Let me tell you, YOU are much more perceptive than any interviewer when it comes to this particular trick! You know when you're scrambling to cover a perceived problem. You don't like it. And you can rest assured that this will come out when you deal with others, as well.

So I advise you to watch what you say to yourself, before you open your mouth and address anyone else. Come to terms with whatever's bugging you, whatever you see as your weakness. Find a way in which this thing can serve as an asset. If you need help doing this, get it! Appreciate your strengths fully; don't wait for someone else to tell you why you're good. You know better than they do, if you let yourself. Learn to be your own best representative to yourself first and foremost. It will pay off in the end, I promise.